Exactly where we’re meant to be…?!

I often fall back on the quote “How do I know the experience I’m having is the one that I need? Because it’s the one that I’m having.” I don’t know who said that, but I do know I believe it. So, by the same token, I also believe that…we’re always exactly right where are meant to be.

Or so I’ve been telling myself for the past 8 weeks, since I made the fatal mistake of leaving the Island to come home for Christmas. But if I believe I’m exactly where I’m meant to be then it wasn’t a mistake and, despite the fact I find myself doing a second lockdown stretch in my childhood bedroom, I stand by the fact that I wanted to come back, needed to come back, the isolation was getting intense and, more than ever in these crazy times, I needed to connect with my tribe.

But just as I was preparing to haul half my life back up the M6 for my next (and final) three months on the island, the powers that be declared NO.

Now you probably know how I feel about the powers that be...! and my first instinct was to go anyway, to be a Freedom Warrior, to determinedly drive through road blocks and have my Thelma and Louise moment (minus Louise and in a Vauxhall Viva). But it was very likely that, having driven for ten hours, I would be turned away from the ferry, and have to drive ten hours back again.

I realised I had a choice – I could be pissed off (I was) I could get angry (I was) I could meet it with resistance and figure out ways of still making it happen (yep, did that too) I could feel trapped (yep) oppressed (oh yeah) controlled (yes) then I’m back to being pissed off, angry...and so it goes. Or…I could be equanimous, I could be calm, I could let it go, I could meet it with acceptance and find the flow and ease with it, I could have faith that I will get back when I’m meant to, I could trust that if I’m here then I’m here for a reason, I could remember that…

We’re always exactly where we are meant to be all of the time.

But how do we know when we really believe that or when we are just saying that by some way of avoidance?

When was the last time I felt in every cell of my body an absolute knowing that I am totally and utterly in the right place at the right time. That feeling of true alignment, true joy that arises from a sense of ‘coming home’ to ourselves.

When was the last time you felt that?

I’ve had that feeling a few times over the past couple of years – in India on a silent meditation retreat, in Costa Rica during my Qoya training, in Mexico on a writing retreat. And I’ve had that feeling many times when I’ve simply been in the excitement of travelling, venturing forth into places anew, a passport in my hand, a backpack on my back and a vague plan in my mind.

Is that the same feeling I have now? Well…nope! As much as I can appreciate a day like today as I sit on a bench looking out to sea, the sun sparkles dancing as the sea mist slowly lifts, the warmth of the winter sun on my thirsty skin…it doesn’t light me up or set my soul on fire. I know there’s something more for me out there. Here might be my physical home but here has never felt like my spiritual home.

So, am I exactly where I’m meant to be? Well, if contrast is our greatest teacher, then every moment spent here is a moment spent getting clearer on where I really want to be, how I really need to live… it’s all part of the process.

So, right now, well yes, I believe this is where I’m meant to be - I just hope I’m not stuck here for too much bloody longer!